“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
