“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured