This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
This is a bad sign
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?