This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
