This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.