This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD