This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
S M O L
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.