This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir