Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

subtitles are so good nowadays

Got a light