This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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Thinking about Jeff
When your parents check you’re ok.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Order here:
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.