This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
me after eating Cheetos
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Y’all ready for this
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks