This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I’m having an out of money experience.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Finally a use for spoilers…
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
