Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold