Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Good morning

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No