Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.