This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
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Ah..makes sense now
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.