SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion