This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
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I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
so i’m at the stock market right
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?