“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.