Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.