“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
lol
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.