These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Facebook memories be like
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
This is enough internet for the day.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.