Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.