1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Just parrot things
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area