This rocks
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
HOW DARE YOU
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.