This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
lmfao
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.