This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
the Monday after daylight savings
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos