this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
