this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
