This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.