This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
💀💀
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
huge if true: the moon
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously