This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.