This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.