This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
when there are deer in the woods
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m not stressed
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”