This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.