This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
How do you milk an almond?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.