This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.