Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.