Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning