This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”