This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
