This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
When you let grandma cat sit
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.