Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.