This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.

You Might Also Like


Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’



“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”


Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”


Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.


me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so


Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”


Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.


A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.


[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!


You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought