Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I am HOWLING at this
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*launders Kohls cash*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?