This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot