Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.