Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

🤣🤣

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

bears

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT