This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
You Might Also Like
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.