This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Europe. Made in Germany.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.