“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
A family that plays together cheats.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.