This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.