Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.