This scene was so out of pocket looking back đ â ď¸
You Might Also Like
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, donât.
Sticker placement is key.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, âYou can just leave your money on the nightstand.â He doesnât find it nearly as funny as I do.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But thereâs also kids with machine guns so Iâm not going.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i donât like it here
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth Iâve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait⌠a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My son just told me he wasnât a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesnât contain a stop sign
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Itâs time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the insideâŚ
Iâm not saying Iâm getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Did my cat write this
iâd be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
YesâŚ
I retweet.
Isnât that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shitâŚ
But thatâs your faultâŚ
Iâm worried my dog will never find out whoâs a good boy.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think youâre too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Toddlers be like, âexcuse me madam thatâs my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Idea: âCelebrity Price Is Rightâ where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guyâs face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I Wasnât Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the âdamnâ paprika
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
did I âkill a plantâ or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
âYour optimism for the future makes me think youâre not paying attention.â
My mum: Itâs a baby shower. Just write âcongratulationsâ.