This scene was so out of pocket looking back š ā ļø
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Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me trying to reach for my goals
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
āTHE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!ā
~me, parenting teens
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I donāt even work for yet?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Accidentally blurted out āskip introā when my mother-in-law wasnāt getting to the point.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies youād almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
The secret to a good marriage is that itās all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya Iām just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Every āPeople Actually Want To Return To The Officeā piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Iām doing crunches twice a day nowā¦
Captain in the morningā¦
Nestle in the afternoon.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeownerās Associationā¦
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah Iām not very good at drawing giraffes.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The outburst I had at JoAnnās Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Mildredās cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.