This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off