This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
