Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

This is true.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?