This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
🖕🏻👽
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
True?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here