This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
You Might Also Like
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun