This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.