This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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This is a bad sign
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
