Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Owl Sanctuary

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…