This seems like peak sibling energy
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Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I only eat vegetarians.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
a New Yorker reject, for you
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.