Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Good morning

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

LMFAOOOO

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.