Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I was bored.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets