This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
☠️ ☠️
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
The Eggorcist
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*