This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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I didn’t come here to be called names
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.