This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
#MeanwhileinCanada
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth