This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
🤔😂😂
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.