Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

smartest karate player in the world

Netflix and awkward silence?

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?