Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.