“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
craving $300 all of a sudden
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison