Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?
4: Can I check?
Me: Do you have a warrant?
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof*
And just like that he vanished without a tres
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking