@QwertyJones3

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

@respected_loner

i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?

@envydatropic

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

@KalvinMacleod

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

@CubanaMama82

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof*

And just like that he vanished without a tres

@AmishPornStar1

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking