Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.