THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
He wanted to make sure😂
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions