THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems