This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
His flabber was gasted 😂
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.